marisa paige xx. <3

I feel good. I feel happy. It only took time.
I still get a little sad and teary eyed every now and then, but it's a huge improvement from a couple of days ago when I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and couldn't stop crying.

Although I'll never forget what you did, I can forgive you. BUT, the only way I'll forgive you is if you apologize.
If you can sincerely and meaningfully apologize for the way you broke up with me, and admit that it was the wrong way to deal with the situation, then yes, I will forgive you.
However, if you refuse to realize this, then I will no longer be a part of your life. You said you wanted me as a friend. Think about it.

Break ups aren't easy, but regardless of your reasons for not wanting to do it in person, which although I understand, you still should have said it to my face. You ran away from your problems.

Break ups happen all the time.
Only do pricks break up via letter, email, phone, or text message.
No one wants to have to break up with someone who they have had such a stong emotional relationship with. No one wants to hurt this person that they once loved so much. But people still do it. Because some people, although at the time what they are doing may seem awful, they are being HUMAN. They have a heart. Where the hell did yours go?

If you can apologize to me, I will be your friend. If you don't, then I will no longer be a part of your life.
It's up to you.
You said you wanted to be friends....

And when/if you do apologize, please have the balls to say it TO MY FACE.

... well actually, it's only been a couple of days, but these past couple of days have felt like an eternity.

I don't know if this feeling is temporary, as I keep having mood swings about the whole thing, but I finally feel happy. I'm happy to be single. To be independent. It will be good for me to me independent for a while, until the next boy comes along. But there's no rush for that at all.

I hope this feeling is not temporary, as I feel so great right now, and being sad and depressed just hurts so much. Why am I happy? Because I have a huge support system behind me. To all of you who have helped, thank you so much for being there for me. Being able to vent has really helped, and right now, all I'm doing is looking forward, not backwards. Not far off into the future, no. But looking forward to this weekend. Living for the moment. The past is the past, and the future is full of surprises.

Dustin, you've changed me into a better person. I can't thank you enough for all the experiences we've had together. Although, I now realize that if you didn't break up with me, there's a chance that someday soon I would have ended it anyways. You are not the person I fell in love with - you changed, and in my eyes, you didn't change for the better. I was in love with who you were, not who you are now.

All of your text messages that I have saved are now deleted off my phone. The rings and necklace you bought me will always be very thoughtful and meaningful to me, but they are now shut away in a little box.

I'll miss us, but I still can't forget what you did to me.
And that has changed my outlook on you completely. I'm not going to get back together with a guy who dumped me in a letter completely out of the blue, because I know it will just happen again.
As for being friends, well, I guess that's something were going to have to wait out and see what happens.

I still think you're a great person, although my levels of respect and trust in you have lowered. Take my advice with this one thing. You need to take this time to be single. I'm not saying this out of jealousy or fear of you finding someone else. (Although I hope when that time comes you'll talk to me about it first, as I would with you) I'm saying this as a friend. You have non-stop had girlfriends since grade 8, and you need to take some time to find out who you really are. And you need to do this on your own. And please, never change into a complete asshole, because I know you're better than that. You've always struck me as a sweet, caring, compassionate guy, which is why people love being around you. So please, remember who you are, who you REALLY are. Because that guy was great. Although we are no longer together, at this point in time, I can still say I know you better than anyone right now. So please, take my advice. I took your advice to keep my distance from you, and I gotta say, it was some pretty damn good advice. Whether you listen to me... well what can I do ...? You aren't forced to listen to me, but I think this is a good and fair idea.

Not only do you need to be single, I do too.
We will get through this together, yet apart.

I've been told that you've already moved on, and you show no care or emotion about this situation what-so-ever. If this is true, then once again, I'm glad I'm not with you. Because if you've moved on after 48 hours, you have no heart. You may be thinking: "but YOU'RE happy now...". Yeah, I am happy right now. But in all fairness, I wouldn't be writing this blog if i still wasn't over you.

I'm no longer in love with you. But the memories always bring tears to my eyes - and it is so sad to me that we won't have any more memories to make together as a couple. This is what's hurting me so much.

This chapter in my life has ended. And I can't wait to see what happens next in my story.

2 1/2 years.

and boy, is facebook a bitch.

I come across his profile and find this:
Looking for:

Dating
A relationship
Friendship

DATING? A RELATIONSHIP?
....already? really?


that hurts. this breakup happened all of 36 hours ago, and he's already publicizing all over facebook that he's looking for a relationship?

did our relationship mean NOTHING??? because if you're ready to jump back in and start dating other girls, that's exactly how its going to seem to me.

and remember what you said to me too...
"I'll always love you and care for you as a person..."
if this is true, I will no longer believe this.
Sure, maybe one day we'll be with other people. I'm trying my best to accept that. But the fact that you're already looking right now is more than disgusting to me. 2 1/2 fucking years. Hopefully that means SOMETHING to you. cuz it sure as hell does to me.

and that being the case,
it IS going to take me more than 36 fucking hours to get over you and already start looking for yet another relationship.

but wow, if this is true about you, then you are by far the most disgusting human being on the planet.

and just for the record, I don't want you back.

To the boy who dumped me in the letter (yes, YOU dustin):
FUCK YOU.

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.


you're horrible.

you know what, even these words are too kind for you.

alright go back into some fucking relationship. you've been NOTHING but dependent on girlfriends your whole fucking life. You're pathetic. I don't want to die alone. But at least for now, I'm not afraid to be alone.

You're a fucking coward.
Always have been, always will be.

And the girl that ends up with you is one extremely unlucky son of a bitch.

Funny how emotions can just change eh? Just yesterday I wanted you back. Now, I think you're a horrible person.

You changed. And maybe I was kidding myself being with you.... because ever since university began, you have not been the same guy that I fell in love with 2 1/2 years ago. That boy's gone. Long gone. And he's been replaced by whatever the fuck you would want to call yourself. And that is NOT a compliment. Everyone sees how you've changed. And I can guarantee that nobody, NOBODY, likes it one bit.

Good luck to the future girlfriend. Seriously. To survive with you, she's going to need all the good luck she can get.

I'm over it.
I'm over you.
And I don't want you back.

And there it is.
We're over. Just like that.

Did I expect it? No
Did I want this? No
Do I wish this never happened? Yes. Please Yes.
Let this all just be some horrible nightmare, Because there's no way I can be with out you.

I want you back so bad. I've never been so heart broken.
Deep down you know we were meant for each other. Please realize your mistake, because I'll be right here when you're ready to come back to me.

Falling out of love.
HOW? when I'm so IN love with you?
Over 2 1/2 years we were together. And one day you just fall out of love?

I'm so heartbroken. I can't stop crying.
I hope you also believe that we were meant for each other, because I believe that more than anything in the world.
If you ever change your mind, I'll always be here with open arms, ready to take you back.

<3 I love you forever Dustin.
It's really a shame that something so amazing and so special had to come to an end.

3/21/07 <3
xo

When people ask me to describe myself from now on, heres what I'll say to them:
I'm selfish, spoiled, rude, ungrateful, annoying, angry, depressed, bitchy, stupid... and I promise you, the list goes on.

What do I have to say for myself?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to everyone who I have hurt with my words or actions. Whether you're someone I love, like, are indifferent to, someone I hate, or someone who hates me, I'm truly, truly sorry for anything I may have done to hurt you.

I'm especially sorry to you D.
I've done nothing other then be a horrible, terrible girlfriend to you.
I'm so lucky to have you. Too lucky beyond words. You're amazing, and I am not nearly close to being good enough for you.

But I'm left feeling really confused. You do exactly what you told me not to do-- storm off. Don't make me change the way I deal with my anger if you're going to do the exact same thing & act like it's perfectly fine. Now you know why I storm off. I can't deal with people right away and need to cool off... sound familiar? It should, cause you just said that was YOUR reason.
I really don't know what else to do.
I'll stop being so affectionate in public. I really don't think I've been that bad lately, but I'll stop everything I've been doing if you're uncomfortable with it. I promise.
I've already promised to talk to you about our problems if anything comes up that makes me sad, upset, or uncomfortable. I no longer ignore you and walk away. I haven't broken that promise yet, but I feel that I shouldn't be the only one keeping that promise... I was really scared tonight...
I'll stop being so overdramatic about stupid problems or fights with my mom or my friends. The only reason I spoke to you in the first place is cause I trusted you, and thought you were understanding. Even though I still think these things, I will no longer burden you with anything stupid that's bugging me. I promise. And even though it hurts that I feel I can't even speak to my own boyfriend about ANYTHING, I still love you.
I just hope you realize how many of my flaws I'm changing for you. While everytime I ask you to change something for me, I just get told that you can't cause it's a part of who you are.
So I'll say it now. I'm sorry that I love you so much that I like to kiss you in public. I'm sorry that I always walked away when I got mad because I just needed some time to cool down so I wouldn't hurt you. Lastly, I'm sorry that I'm overemotional and sensitive & I'm sorry for always turning to you for comfort.
But hey, these things are a part of who I am.

No ones the good guy here.
No ones the bad guy, either.

But I love you enough that I'll change who I am for you.
It's crazy what people will do when they're head over heels in love.